Ethnic Intermarriage

by Jill Ramhormozi

America is a delicate tapestry of interwoven racial, ethnic and cultural groups. Each group comes complete with a complex set of beliefs and values, and may share a common language, folklore, thinking patterns and communication styles. Each of us is born into a culture, and more and more Americans are marrying out of their cultural and ethnic groups. Are such marriages doomed? McGoldrick and Preto list several factors that influence the success or failure of interethnic marriages.

One consideration is the degree of difference in values between cultures. Americans who have grown up with respect for individuality will have greater difficulty when marrying into a culture that recognizes cooperation and the well being of the larger family group over that of the individual.

Another factor to consider is the degree of acculturation of each spouse. If one spouse is a fourth or fifth generation American and the other is a recent immigrant, the potential for conflict and misunderstanding is considerably greater. Such a union requires great sensitivity on the part of the more acculturated spouse. It is also generally more successful when the partner who must make the most compromise is the female (if we are talking about heterosexual marriages) since, traditionally, women have been more acculturated to accept compromise.

Consider the gender of the spouse from each background. Gender roles and culture can meet head on to create or avert conflict. Generally, women tend to talk more easily about their feelings than men. A marriage between a woman from a culture that is emotionally expressive and a man whose culture has taught him to keep a stiff upper lip is in for trouble. The reverse, in which the wife's culture was less emotionally expressive and the husband's more, would probably be less stressed.

Familiarity with the spouse's culture prior to marriage is an obvious advantage. Exposure to customs, language and traditions make for an easier transition. It is also important to consider whether the spouse's culture is viewed as desirable. An American who is marrying a person from Europe is more likely to take pride in his/her spouse's culture, as Americans tend to view Europe as culturally equal or superior to the U.S. This would not be true if the other spouse were from an obscure third world country.

Finally, the degree to which one has resolved one's own issues about the intercultural marriage will bear heavily on its success or failure. Many people marry outside their culture holding fast to the notion that love will overcome all differences. Many deny the differences in an effort to get along. Many divorce themselves from their heritage in the hope that this will improve the chances for success. It can only do harm.

Consciously or unconsciously, we bring our culture with us into all of our encounters. Most of us know only the most superficial and apparent elements of our own and others' cultures. Yet it is our cultural identity that we fall back on and that serves us most when we go through life cycle changes. Marriage and the birth of children are two major lifestyle changes that are likely to bring on a crisis of culture. If someone is cut off from or has otherwise lost contact with his or her cultural identity, that person has lost the one comfort that could best help them through difficult times.

I remember taking a course called "Marriage and the Family" at a California college years ago when I was thinking of marrying outside my own culture. The class dealt with intercultural/ interracial marriages, and warned strongly against them. Our text warned that the chances of success were almost nil. I remember feeling really depressed knowing that I would probably decide to go ahead with the marriage even though it seemed it was doomed to failure.

My husband's family and mine share relatively similar values and socioeconomic status. It was I, the female, who would do most of the adjusting (since we moved immediately to his country). My husband had lived in the U.S. for five years before we married, so he was familiar with my culture. I had traveled extensively with my family through Europe and the Middle East, and visited Iran at the invitation of my husband-to-be before we got married. Both families had resolved most of their issues about the marriage, and each was prepared to accept the culturally different spouse. Religious differences did not create the division they might have since both my husband and I, while deeply spiritual, do not practice an organized religion.

In Iran, I knew many couples composed of an Iranian husband and an international wife. I observed that the most stable were those in which the wife was European (the Dutch fared especially well) or English. Americans had more divorces. It seemed that Americans' high value on independence and individuality was a cultural element that was at odds with Iranians' more family-centered outlook. Those women who could not assimilate into their husband's families suffered a lot from a sense of isolation. My husband's family left me a lot of room until our son was born. Then he was the focus of our relationship until we had worked out our differences.

I've asked myself why I chose to marry outside of my culture. Was I trying to detriangulate myself, differentiate from my family of origin or make a statement of some sort? Certainly there is an element of truth in the attempt to differentiate, but more relevant than what I was moving away from was what I was moving toward. I married as I did, I feel, in an attempt to recreate a relationship modeled after the only one I had known - my parents'. I married (unconsciously, of course) someone with significant similarities to my father. The fact that my husband came from another culture was not as significant. I met him not long after my family returned from a six-month journey around the world during which I had developed a taste for the foreign.

My marriage has been rocky, but it has survived and is more satisfying to my husband and me now than it was for the first 25 years. (We have been married more than 30 years). Factors that have helped it survive are several. First, both my husband and I had considerable experience with other cultures before marrying. Second, we have now both lived in the other's culture for significant periods of time. We were both able to work in the other's country. Both mothers-in-law have now visited the other country and they are, however grudgingly, committed to the continuing relationship. Our son, now 26, survived the growing up years and is proud of both parts of his heritage. We all view the coming together of cultures as an enriching experience.

Jill Ramhormozi has been an English teaching for over 30 years and is now close to receiving her degree as a marriage and family counselor.

© 1997 Marrying Man Group